


Crack Week 2017

by YdrittE



Series: Fandom Events [3]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Alcohol, Beach Resorts, Bottom!Sephiroth, Conspiracies, Crack, Crack Week, Drinking Games, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Mpreg, Other, Parental Bonding, Pregnancy, Selfcest, Tentacle Poem - Freeform, Tentacle Porn, Tentacle Song, Tentacles, Time Travel, Very Stupid Political Commentary - Freeform, first world problems, ukeroth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-06 06:51:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12812019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YdrittE/pseuds/YdrittE
Summary: All entries for the FF7 Crack Week





	1. Day 1. FFVII – the musical / tentacles

**Author's Note:**

> This is a ‘song’ about tentacle porn and fandom life. I have no idea how I even did this, but I am very happy about my brain’s inexplicable sudden ability to rhyme and form coherent sentences at the same time.
> 
> All seemed so much better in my head, where I can hear the stressed syllables and the speed at which everything goes. So if anyone wants to try their hand at singing it (for whatever reason), hit me up. I can tell you what it sounded like in my brain. 
> 
> Also, the [nɔʁˈmaːl] in line 8 of the fourth stanza thing is the German pronounciation of “normal” - I had to somehow make the lines rhyme, and this was the only way xD

> Hello there, fellow fandom folks! Here’s a tip (quite overdue):  
>  Never play FF7 with other people there with you  
>  Because they might just ruin moments with their ‘commentary skill’  
>  Even if there wasn’t _that_ much mood available to kill
> 
> Stand before Synthesis-Jenova; you’re about to beat the game  
>  When they proudly – and quite loudly – feel the need to exclaim:  
>  “I’ve seen enough Hentai to know where this is going!”
> 
> Oh really? Have you now?
> 
> Well, in that case I’d like to see  
>  Your cache and browser history  
>  Just words won’t be enough to convince _me_ you’re one of us!
> 
> Have you read the classics yet?  
>  Have you stayed up late in bed?  
>  Hour after hour, scouring the internet?
> 
> Are you one of us or do you want to join in our quest?  
>  Or are you just here to laugh at us and try to be a pest?  
>  Because if you are, then please fuck off. We don’t have time for you  
>  We’re too busy reading, writing, drawing, doing what we do 

> And that would be the moment when their questions start to come  
>  They demand some explanations for where that fandom rant came from  
>  Horrified at your implications they are frozen to the spot  
>  Ask uneasily why you’re doing this, and balk at your “Why not?”
> 
> You see, sometimes you don’t need reasons; sometimes it’s enough to know  
>  That there are tentacles up Sephiroth’s ass (and down his throat)  
>  That’s it! That’s all you need! I guess it only goes to show  
>  If you have porn, you don’t need ‘class’ - so you can gladly let it go
> 
> ‘Classy’ is boring anyway, and harder to maintain  
>  It’s easier to let yourself get swept up by the game  
>  Down and down through the rabbithole, out on our ship to sea  
>  Armed to the teeth with our kinks, whatever they may be

> Lab accidents and malboros, Lost Number, Seph himself  
>  Paired with Cloud or Zack or Genesis, or anybody else  
>  Lifeform Hojo, Safer Sephiroth, beachplugs also get a pass  
>  SquareSoft threw us a softball here with tentacles en masse
> 
> The Unknowns on the Gelnika, Dark Nation, maybe Aps  
>  Bottomswell and Ruby Weapon, Bad Rap Sample, Gi Nattack  
>  Every single boss form of Jenova, Sample H0512  
>  I could go on, but you get the point: it’s more than just a few
> 
> Half of these might sound bizarre at first, but trust me - it’ll work  
>  And after just a little while the weirdness turns into a quirk  
>  Once you’ve passed this shining thresh hold, inhibitions disappear  
>  I could sing a song about this. Ay, guess what I’m doing here! ;P

> I was born and raised in fandom life, been here since I was young  
>  Spent my teen years reading fanfic (and occasionally writing some)  
>  Wasn’t good one, mind you, but whatever. That was not the point  
>  I’m still here to have a good time - that was why back then I joined
> 
> Not much left that you can shock me with, ‘cause I have seen it all  
>  And by now tentacles is one of those things I would call [nɔʁˈmaːl]  
>  There are weirder things out there; you probably haven’t found them yet  
>  Since you apparently still think _this_ is the weird part of the internet
> 
> Let me spoiler you real quick on that: It isn’t – there is worse  
>  Then again, the ‘worse’ is relative. And that’s the fandom curse  
>  There _always_ will be people who don’t like the things you do  
>  The trick is not to listen to them, and continue pushing through  
>  To write and draw and read and break every single taboo

> And this is just the first one, the first of many steps to hell  
>  It is paved with good intentions – and good porn. It’s pretty swell  
>  To be honest, it’s the most pleasant road that you could ever walk  
>  Full of pretty things to look at, people to whom you can talk
> 
> And the best thing is nobody knows if you’re doing it ‘right’  
>  Cause it’s not like anybody has seriously tried (tentacles, that is)  
>  So you can pretty much just do whatever, and get away with it  
>  Cause when it comes down to it we all don’t know shit  
>  About  
>  This
> 
> And if you do, then please call me and teach me your secrets.

 

Btw, this is the optional chorus:

> Welcome to our little corner of fandom  
>  Where weird means something else  
>  We spin the wheel, and pick a kink at random  
>  Anything that we might fathom  
>  We don’t even need to understand ‘em  
>  And then throw in some tentacles  
>  Just because we can 

Sing it after “ We’re too busy reading, writing, drawing, doing what we do“ and then repeat it every 12 lines for maximum effect.


	2. Day 2. Conspiracy theorists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god why the fuck did this turn into political commentary. Inspired by jacksfilms’ YIAY episode #184.

“Wanna play a game?”

Sephiroth eyes him warily. “If it’s anything like either of the games you suggested on the night the three of us got blackout drunk and I ended up getting fucked by one of the science department’s tentacle monsters, then no”

“Of course it’s not like any of those” Genesis says while rolling his eyes dramatically “It’s a game I just made up, meant to kill time and alleviate boredom. I call it ‘Things Shinra said’”

“Let me guess” Angeal sighs “We have to determine whether Shinra said something”

“You got it. I’ll read out a ‘quote’ to you, and you have to guess whether it’s an actual thing the President has said or whether it’s a conspiracy theory made up by the media”

“And we’re going to play this on a public train full of people who have no idea about ShinRa’s inner workings?” Sephiroth asks, sceptically arching an eyebrow.

“Precisely”

Sephiroth shares a look with Angeal, and then shrugs. “Sure, why not?”

 

Ten minutes later, the entire train car is staring at them as Genesis giggles his ass off, Angeal just keeps shaking his head, as he has been doing for the last fifteen minutes, and Sephiroth is halfway between laughing and crying.

“I can’t believe he said that” he murmurs, head in his hands “I cannot fucking believe he actually said that. For real. Seriously. In front of people. In an interview. How is something like that President of _anything_??”

“Because he had more money than the other idiots” Genesis tells him, still giggling.

Sephiroth turns to the other passengers with the most shellshocked expression either of his friends have ever seen on him. “Run” he tells the poor unsuspecting citizens “Run, while you still can. ShinRa sucks and is full of assholes”

“Fuck yeah!” some punk teenager yells “Fuck ShinRa! Burn them all!”

“You do realize you just started a revolution, right?” Genesis asks with a hint of concern.

Sephiroth makes a _tsk_ ing noise. “You say that like it’s a bad thing”


	3. Day 3. This pairing doesn’t even exist on AO3!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just trying to find two characters that have something in common, okay?

His eyes reflect the soft green glow that surrounds her in her specimen tank, giving him the look of one of her puppets even though he’s not. Not yet, anyway.

His mouth opens as if to say something, but no words come out. He is too lost in the sight of her, how otherworldly and strange and… beautiful.

 _Together we will sail the stars_ she promises him, and feels his happiness.

“Really?” he manages to say “Do you think we’ll be able to get ShinRa to properly fund the Space Program again?”

_When the Reunion comes, we will not need ShinRa or their budget anymore. We will not need your puny airships and rockets. This planet will be all we need, and we will use it to go to space and sail the stars._

“To space…” Palmer repeats after her, smiling like the idiot he is.

Jenova can already feel a headache coming on.

_That’s what I get for trusting Hojo to not blow up his perfect specimen in an attempt to prove that Sephiroth is fireproof. Whose fucking idea was that anyway?!_

Palmer was the only member of Shinra to have survived the explosion due to having been shoved into a conveniently fireproof vending machine by Heidegger and a group of Third Class Soldiers shortly before it happened. Jenova had spent the two weeks it took him to travel from what remained of the Shinra Building to Nibelheim mentally facepalming to the point where it almost started physically hurting.

 _The moment I get this planet under my control and turn it into a vessel I’m ditching you_ she tells Palmer. _In space. So you’ll die. Now get me out of this fucking tank or so help you Gaia._ _We have work to do~_


	4. Day 4. Parental bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have three crazy ladies and their two shared kids! Featuring me skipping birth scenes because birth is scary.

There were a great many things Dr. Lucrecia Crescent had not expected to happen in her life. Getting her mentor and (kind of) crush killed, for instance. Or his son developing a crush on her. Or marrying Hojo.

But perhaps the thing she had least expected to ever happen was Ifalna Gast, who had quit the Jenova Project and run off with her husband and yet-to-be-born child several months ago, to suddenly show up on the doorstep of the Shinra Mansion, with a small bundle that made quiet gurgling sounds and a look of fierce determination on her face.

“Pack up your things; we’re leaving” she told Lucrecia, and pushed past her as if this was a completely normal thing to happen. After a few seconds of shock and confusion, Lucrecia managed to turn around and hastily follow her while the Cetra strode through the mansion’s entrance hall and straight towards the basement lab.

“What are you doing here? And what do you mean, we’re leaving?” she asked between laboured breaths. Pregnancy really took a toll on one’s stamina.

“I’m here to pick up you and Jenova so we can leave”

“What?! Jenova? But I thought Gast said she was-“

“I know what he said” Ifalna interrupted her “It’s all he’s been talking about for the last six months. She’s still here, right?”

“Yes, but- Hojo-“

They had reached the basement lab, where Hojo was bent over the dead (?) body of one Vincent Valentine. He looked up when they entered, and frowned. “Gast’s little Cetra, eh? How did you get all the way back here without him stopping you?”

“By not asking his permission and then not answering his calls. Now get out of the way, we don’t have all day” Ifalna snapped at him. She made a beeline for the specimen tank Jenova was being kept in, and started punching numbers and codes into the control panel. Hojo watched her for a bit, then turned to Lucrecia.

“Why… is she doing this?” he asked. Lucrecia shrugged. It was the best answer she could come up with.

“I don’t see you packing your things yet, Lucy darling” Ifalna yelled over her shoulder “If you don’t hurry up we’re going to leave without you”

Lucrecia suddenly remembered that she was apparently also going wherever Ifalna planned to take Jenova. Hojo followed her when she went over to her workstation and started throwing documents and medicine that she thought might come in handy into a bag.

“Wait a second, you can’t leave! You’re still pregnant with the most important experiment of this entire project!”

Lucrecia moved on to the next room where she usually slept these days, and stuffed fresh clothes for herself and baby things into the bag, tuning out Hojo’s rambling. She could feel Jenova’s amusement in the back of her mind.

 _We’re going travelling!_ the alien all but sang.

“Well, don’t you sound excited” Lucrecia replied while rolling her eyes. Hojo stopped talking and stared at her as if she’d gone completely off the deep end. Who knew, maybe she had?

 

He was still pestering her about her child and pregnancy and the project when Ifalna pushed her out the door.

“Shut up, creep. Nobody cares” the Cetra told Hojo, and kicked the door shut, almost slamming him in the face with it.

 

And that’s how Lucrecia ended up in the middle of nowhere with a several thousand years old alien, the last remaining Cetra, said Cetra’s baby, and the sudden realization when the first contraction hit that they were hundreds of miles away from the nearest human settlement.

Which, in case you couldn’t tell, is pretty bad.

Ifalna is immediately by her side, helping her stay upright, while Jenova sits in a nest of her own tentacles with baby Aerith sleeping safely in the middle of it, and stares at them like they’ve gone nuts. Lucrecia feels herself getting closer and closer to hyperventilating.

“I have no idea how to do this!” she yells in barely suppressed panic, trying to keep breathing and not think about what will happen if something goes wrong.

 _Neither has anyone else_ Jenova tells her with a mental shrug. Lucrecia and Ifalna had realized very quickly that the extraterrestrial had a knack for making deadpan comments that were beyond not helpful, and that neither yelling (in Lucrecia’s case) nor throwing high level destructive spells at her (in Ifalna’s) could make her shut up.

“Okay, I know this will sound stupid and generic, but it’s gonna be alright, Lucrecia. I’ve given birth before, so I can guide you through the whole procedure” Ifalna tells her, carefully patting her back and glaring at Jenova angrily “Meanwhile Lady Blue Tit over here can make herself useful and watch out for crazy husbands coming to get on our nerves”

Jenova makes a half-annoyed and half-amused sound in their minds. _You all need to calm down and stop screaming whenever something bad happens._

Lucrecia deeply mourns the fact that there is nothing heavy within reach to throw at their alien companion.

 

 _That’s cute_ Jenova decides, and pokes the baby with one of her tentacles. Sephiroth makes a happy gurgling sound and tries to grab her hair.

“Give back my baby!!!” Lucrecia screeches, aimlessly throwing stones at the alien who sits perched atop a tree, safely out of their reach.

 _Can you please stop screaming? There’s not even anything bad happening!_ Jenova rolls her eye while carefully rocking the newborn from side to side. She seems weirdly fascinated by the little creature.

“Jenova, get down here and give Lucrecia back her baby this instant!” Ifalna yells, in the middle of summoning Bahamut in an attempt to intimidate her “Or else!”

 _Or else what?_ Jenova sticks out her purple tongue at them and stays exactly where she is.

Ifalna crosses her arms. “Or else I won’t let you look after Aerith anymore”

 

 _You’re a dirty cheat_ Jenova complains while Aerith climbs all over her tentacles, giggling in glee. Lucrecia is still keeping her distance and protectively holding little Sephiroth close to her chest every time Jenova makes the slightest of movements.

“You tried to steal baby Seph. That meant war. And you know how the saying goes…” Ifalna grins “All’s fair in love and war!”

Jenova sticks out her tongue at them again, but she’s smiling while she does it. Ifalna’s grin widens, and even Lucrecia manages to relax a bit after all the chaos this day has brought. She briefly wonders what Hojo would think if he knew where she is… and who she’s with.

But then again, it doesn’t really matter.


	5. Day 5. Time travel to a new or old era

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time travel and selfcest are so much funnier like this. I love sassy Jenova. First instance of me skipping the sex scene.

 

“Oh, come the fuck on” Cloud mumbles, staring down at his phone.

It’s the third time this week that Sephiroth shows up to cause havoc, and this time it is in Nibelheim of all places. Well, not exactly Nibelheim itself. More like in the general vicinity of the old reactor. But still, Cloud is the one who gets notified, and Cloud is the one expected to go and deal with the issue. And he’s getting pretty sick of it.

He calls Cid to get a lift on his friend’s new airship (because unfortunately his motorcycle can’t cross oceans, no matter how much he tries to make it possible), and prays to Gaia that Sephiroth will still be there when he arrives and he won’t have to chase him across half the planet again. Like he did last Friday. Instead of going to the movies with Tifa like originally planned. Which he is still pretty pissed about.

Today, however, luck is on his side, and when he stomps towards the half-dilapidated reactor, Sephiroth is waiting for him on the steps. Something that looks suspiciously like Jenova with even less limbs than before is propped up against the doorframe behind him. Sephiroth is obviously protective of it, which obviously means Cloud will end up having to destroy it.

“Good to see you, Cloud” Sephiroth sneers. He appears to be fond of this catchphrase and has greeted Cloud with it every single time he came back since Meteor Crisis several years ago, and apparently doesn’t get the hint that it stopped being intimidating after the third use.

Cloud doesn’t answer and draws his swords.

 

A fight of truly epic proportions ensues, which the author was unfortunately too lazy to write down. But there is lots of awesome one-liners and acrobatic jumping and the Power of Friendship helping Cloud not get his ass kicked. Promise.

Unfortunately, the Power of Friendship can only do so much, and so Aerith, Cloud’s second best dead friend and former healing specialist, decides to intervene from beyond the grave. She calls upon a super secret Cetra Magic Spell that was never mentioned before this very moment due to being super secret. It bursts from the sky in a blindingly bright beam of magic, instantly destroying every piece of flora and fauna it touches, and trapping Cloud, Sephiroth, and what is left of Jenova in its center.

After a few agonizing seconds of sheer light that will probably have some very nasty aftereffects on the eyes, it disappears again, and Cloud and Sephiroth are left standing in the middle of a zone of absolute destruction. It takes them a moment to collect themselves. Cloud tilts his head back and stares at the sky accusingly.

 “Aerith, what the fuck?!”

“Umm…” comes the answer from the lifestream.

Sephiroth, who just a second ago was summoning thunderstorms and trying to slice Cloud to pieces, suddenly looks very lost. His eyes dart from the spot where the mummified remains of his ‘mother’ were situated just a few seconds earlier, to Cloud, and then to the clouds above that the magic spell had erupted from. “Where did she go?” he asks in an unusually small voice.

Cloud groans. “Aerith, please tell me you know where she went!”

“I… think I do? I mean, I can’t sense her presence anymore, but there’s really only one explanation for that, so…”

She is interrupted by Sephiroth, apparently over his moment of perplexity. “What did you do to my mother?!” he yells, and Cloud ducks just in time to avoid being turned into shashlik.

“I accidentally cast the wrong spell!” Aerith yells back “She got sent… uh, somewhere else. Kind of difficult to tell where exactly. I’ll figure it out. Please stop killing Cloud; I still need him for stuff”

Sephiroth hesitates, giving Cloud enough time to put some distance between himself and Masamune. The one-winged angel frowns, and looks up at the sky with an almost wistful expression. “What did you do to her, Cetra girl? Into what hell did you send my sweet mother?”

 

_Wow, cold. Why the heck is it so cold? What happened to global warming?_

_…also, why can I feel cold?_

She stirs slowly, getting a feel for the body she apparently has (??? what??) and taking in her surroundings.

_Not Nibel mountains. Snow and lots of wind. Nothern Cave? Also, tribe people. That’s bad._

She’s surrounded by a bunch of Cetra (??????????? when did those stop being dead????) who are trying to multitask between threatening her with spears (yup, that usually helps against alien viruses) and whispering amongst themselves (do they realize she can hear them?). All in all, not the worst situation she’s ever been in. Not even the second worst one. She’d place it around the 200th place or something. One of the Cetra people steps forward and starts talking in one of their Northern dialects about how they have missed the sight of her, and how glad they are to welcome her back in their mid. She deems it better not to murder them all, and instead maybe get them to help her find out how the heck she got here.

_I love how they still think ‘thing that takes on the forms of your dead relatives’ means ‘good’. This is exactly why you’re dead. Speaking of which, why are you not dead?_

She doesn’t say that aloud though. Instead she lets the clueless (and most probably doomed) Cetra help her up and lead her to presumably one of their villages. She’s not really paying attention. Her mind is still aching with the acute loss of her connection with Sephiroth (ow ow ow) and the disorientation that comes when the personality you shared a mind with is gone, but the imprints it left on _your_ personality are still there.

_In his case those were a lot of thoughts involving penetration, and sarcasm. Bless him for sarcasm; I never knew I needed that so badly._

They have arrived at the village, where quickly a crowd of curious faces forms around them. A few children try to touch her hair, but are held back by what are presumably their parents, who stare at her suspiciously. Their survival instinct seems to be working better than that of the other Cetra, at least. Not that it’ll help them when she shows her true form.

 

She is led into a large building made of clay, which consists of only one single room with a fireplace in the middle and soft fur mats on the floor all around. In one corner of the room, on a huge pile of furs in all kinds of different colours and patterns, sits what at first glance looks like a woman.

At second glance…

_Oh boy._

The villagers bow to the creature and take their leave, pulling the thick leather curtain that serves as a door shut behind them and leaving Jenova alone in the room with… herself.

Because she might have a lot on her mind and sometimes get things mixed up, but she sure as _hell_ remembers what she looked like back in the day. And this is most definitely her.

_I forgot how damn gorgeous I used to look without all those mutations._

Her past self lounges on her seat gracefully, her head tilted to the side and resting on one arm to give off an aura of effortless boredom. She eyes present Jenova up and down, taking in the appearance of some dead Cetra woman who has apparently had the audacity to come back to life. She sighs deeply.

“I don’t know who you are, but since you are resisting my attempts at penetrating your mental barriers and seeing how you managed to return… I guess we will have to do this the old fashioned way”

Present Jenova feels the corner of her mouth twitch at the mention of ‘penetrating’ her mind. Past Jenova frowns, obviously confused by the reaction.

_Ah yes, you won’t be introduced to the concept of innuendoes for another 2000 years. I forgot._

Nonetheless, she steps forward with a not very subtle swing to her hips. She knows how to sex appeal. Or, well, she knows how to sex appeal around her son. Charming this sentient ice block of a creature will be a whole different challenge.

“I doubt what you’d find inside me would be of interest to you, but…” She opens her arms in a gesture of invitation “Feel free to try!”

Her counterpart arches an eyebrow, unimpressed. “If you thought seducing me was going to get you out of the trouble you’re currently in, then I am sad to inform you that you are sorely mistaken. Your human pleasures do not interest me”

_Bitch please; I know where your clitoris is. That should spark your interest._

How very lucky she is that her past self can’t ‘penetrate’ her mind. If she could, Jenova would probably be in a lot of trouble right now. She can’t though, and so her counterpart remains clueless about the brilliant masterplan forming in her head, which mostly consists of “go down on her, get away, go back to own time”. She has no idea how to do the second and third one yet. The first one, however…

 

The air is loaded with static when she wakes up, having dozed off curled against her counterpart’s back. That one appears to be asleep. Jenova sits up, careful not to make any noise, and cocks her head to the side to listen to what’s happening around her.

_That smells like time magic. Did the Cetra girl finally figure out how to control it properly?_

She stretches her legs and makes to stand up.

The sudden grip of her past self is vicelike and decisive. “Do you really think that I’m just going to let you leave, after displaying such _interesting_ skills? Not to mention a rather detailed knowledge of my body – the _real_ one, the one I haven’t _shown_ anyone?”

The static in the air has turned to crackling energy by now, growing brighter and brighter around them. This is _definitely_ the same spell as the one used back at the Nibel reactor, where this whole mess started. And that means…

“I’m going to go with ‘yes’ for now” she tells past-Jenova, whose eyes widen in anger. She opens her mouth to speak, but the light beam hits before she can form the words.

 

Two thousand years later, she opens her eyes.

_Holy shit I have eyes. And a body. And no clothes._

“Mother!!” a very familiar and sorely missed voice screams, and the next moment Sephiroth has thrown his arms around her, holding her close and at the same time shielding her naked form from a very confused looking Cloud Strife. “Don’t you dare look!” her son hisses.

Strife facepalms.

“Yay, it worked” the dead Cetra girl sings from the lifestream.

Jenova gets up, ignoring her son’s fierce protests, and stares up at the grey sky, presumably into the dead girl’s general direction. “Thank you kindly, Aerith Gainsborough” she says sweetly “How very nice of you to help me obtain a more suitable body than the old one”

There’s a moment of silence. Then the girl coughs awkwardly.

“Uh, yeah… sure. No problem”

“Aerith, what the fuck?!” Strife roars. He suddenly breaks into an outraged and very, very loud tirade about how he sacrificed everything for her, how dare she help the enemy, and so on. The Cetra listens for a bit, and then retaliates by pointing out that she was fucking _killed_ by the enemy, thank you very much.

Jenova shakes her head, and grabs Sephiroth by the hand.

“Come on, we’re done here” she tells him, and leads him away, leaving Strife yelling at the sky while the sky points out his stupidity.

They walk in silence for a while. Jenova is amused to feel the effect her new body has on her son through their connection, and how uncomfortable it makes him.

_Sarcasm and penetration. And bless him for both of those things._

He still hasn’t learned to shed the shame those silly humans taught him to feel though, and so once more it falls back on her to drag him down to the ground and make them one again. Her silly, weak, oh-so-human son. He looks lovely when he’s hers.

She cannot _wait_ until this body is corrupted enough to grow tentacles.


	6. Day 6. A day in the life of a character no one cares about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throw a dart at the worldmap. It’s bound to hit some random NPC nobody remembers. Introducing: Stacy, aka one of the women swooning over Hojo at Costa del Sol. There was supposed to be a sex scene in here. I have no idea where it went.

_Costa del Sol – Shinra’s Holiday Paradise & Beach Resort_

That’s how the town was advertised on flyers all around the world, trying to lure in as many clueless city dwellers as possible in order to relieve them of their hard earned bucks. The hotel rooms were cheaply furnished, the drinks were decorated extensively to hide how small the glass they came in was, and any holiday or watersports related item was strategically overpriced. It was insufferable.

Stacy had no idea why her parents had wanted to move here so badly. Maybe the town used to be more interesting back in the day. Or maybe she was just too used to the bright colours, all year round heat, and half naked people strolling the streets. Though she could see how this might be entertaining to outsiders. She spent her days out and about with her friends, girls and boys her age, sipping fruity cocktails at the bar, playing beach volleyball, laughing about the tourists pathetic attempts at surfing, and showing those noobs how it was done properly.

It was fun, sure, but in the end, every day was the same as the last one – the same flawless weather, the same pointless entertainment, the same unoriginal would-be playboys using the same ancient pick-up lines as the last three hundred. That might’ve worked on her when she was seventeen, but then again at seventeen the boys coming onto her were friends of hers and the pick-up lines were used ironically. Now she was asked out by men of any age, varying from late teens to early sixties, and the pick-up lines were unfortunately meant seriously.

And then _he_ came along.

She was sitting at the bar with two of her friends, huddling together and giggling about the stupid beachwear of some of the tourists, when suddenly someone tipped her on the shoulder. She turned around, expecting maybe a foreigner having trouble with reading the menu or a teenager trying to ask her out awkwardly. Instead she found herself confronted with a middle aged man with black hair pulled back into a messy ponytail and small, round glasses that sat low on the narrow bridge of his nose. His pristine white labcoat was hanging open to reveal casual clothes underneath. He was smiling at her amiably.

“How do you do?” he asked in a low voice.

She stared at him, confused. “Uhh… can I help you?”

She was half expecting a lame pick-up line, but hoped it wouldn’t be. It would be a shame to have to turn down this rather peculiar, but definitely _interesting_ fellow. To her delight, his smile widened, and he straightened his posture a bit.

“I am currently conducting an experiment on the social behaviours usually associated with what is known as ‘flirting’. Would you be willing to answer a few questions regarding that topic?”

Well, that was new. Pretty obvious, but new.

Her friends had stopped giggling and were looking at her expectantly, to see if she would take the bait and ditch them. That would mean not only them having to find somewhere else to gossip, but also someone else to pay every third round. Stacy winked at them, and turned to the fellow with a smile.

“Sure, why not? Sounds intriguing. I’m Stacy, by the way” she said while holding out a hand “And who might you be?”

He shook her hand carefully and bowed his head. “Professor Hojo, former head of the Shinra Science Department. Pleasure to meet you, _Stacy_ ”

Well, that had sounded uncomfortably sexual. And also very interesting. Wasn’t every day that you got to meet a _former_ Shinra employee. Those were a rarity, mythical creatures that people claimed to have seen in attempts to become famous or seem cool. Everyone knew former Shinra employees didn’t exist – you were either a Shinra employee, a future Shinra employee, or dead. But there he was, and now that she thought about it she _did_ recognize his face from the newspapers. So not only was she going to go to bed with a former Shinra employee, she was going to go to bed with a former Shinra _director_.

This might just be the most interesting thing to ever happen in her life.


	7. Day 7. Alcohol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tentacle porn is so much easier when it’s silly and ooc and nobody gives a shit. Smut, but not very serious one. (Also mpreg, but shhhh) Huge thank you to Pixeled, who is the inspiration for the drinking game, and to the rest of the Loveless Discord for enabling and also just being awesome in general.

It was a terrible idea. Perhaps the worst idea they’d ever had. If only one of them had had enough common sense to intervene and stop it, all their lives would be a lot less chaotic, Angeal and Genesis would have less paperwork and missions, and Sephiroth wouldn’t spend as much time in the labs being experimented on.

It all came back to one single sentence, one fateful little question that Genesis asked with a grin during one of ShinRa’s painfully boring cocktail parties that consisted mostly of fat businessmen in suits congratulating each other on being rich, and various department directors giving speeches boring enough to make you doze off in the middle of a Wutaian minefield, as Sephiroth liked to put it. And Wutaian minefields were _loud_ (at least when they were exploding).

“Wanna play a drinking game?” Genesis whispered, and winked at his friends.

And neither of them said no.

 

The rules were simple – there was only one, in fact: Take a shot every time Hojo said ‘specimen’ during his speech. And in and of itself that shouldn’t have been a problem. Hojo was fond of the word and used it regularly, but not enough to cause anyone to get blackout drunk.

The game went fine for a while, and the three of them spent the first half of Hojo’s speech giggling under their breath and trying to hold back outright laughter whenever Hojo said ‘specimen’.

 

Their only misfortune was that Hojo _noticed_.

And then figured out which word it was they were drinking to.

And then started saying it thrice a sentence.

 

Approximately fourty shots later, the three Soldiers are stumbling down a deserted corridor while the noise of the party becomes more and more distant.

“Stairs or elevator?” Angeal, the most sober of them (who stopped after thirty shots instead of fourty) asks. He has accepted his fate of being the responsible one for the night and trying to keep his companions from dying in stupid ways.

 “I don’t think my stomach can stomach elevators anymore” Genesis says with a frown.

“Stairs it is, then” Angeal sighs.

 

Ten minutes later they’ve somehow ended up in the labs.

“How the fuck did we end up in the labs?” Genesis mumbles.

None of them remember, least of all the one responsible for transitions. But it’s not too much of a loss because their musings about where they are and how they can get somewhere else where it’s less creepy than here are interrupted by Genesis having the second ‘good’ idea of the evening. The first was the drinking game, which Hojo crashed beautifully.

“Remember the rumour about Hojo breeding alien hybrids in here?” Genesis slurs with a lopsided grin “Y’know, the ones that were supposed to win them the Wutai War but that nobody has ever actually seen?”

Sephiroth nods, apparently fascinated, while Angeal just facepalms. He has the sinking feeling he knows exactly where this is going.

“Let’s go see if we find one” Genesis suggests.

And neither of his friends protests.

 

Ten minutes later they’ve somehow ended up in front of a blue creature with a vaguely human (also vaguely female. Boobs, to be precise) upper body and a confusing mix of a pair of scarred and disfigured looking legs and an array of wildly moving, crawling tentacles for a lower body. It’s hooked up to a bunch of machines and apparently wearing a metal helmet that is also connected to other apparatuses with tubes and cables. Engraved in the helmet thingie are the letters J-E-N-O-V-A.

Angeal squints in slight confusion, and then suddenly remembers where he knows the name from. “Wait a second. Sephiroth, wasn’t ‘Jenova’ your mother’s name?”

“Hi mom!” Sephiroth grins up at the abomination looming over him.

Angeal is very much fearing for his success in the mission of ‘keeping drunk friends out of trouble’.

“Sephiroth, please come back here and away from that thing!!” he calls, now starting to get seriously worried as said ‘thing’ stretches out its numerous limbs, watching Sephiroth intently and subtly maneuvering itself between him and the door.   

“Don’t worry; this is completely normal behaviour for this specimen” Sephiroth yells over his shoulder as the creature’s tentacles start crawling all over his body and tugging at his clothes.

“You don’t even know what specimen that is!!” Genesis screams in drunken panic, flailing his arms in his friend’s general direction. “You don’t have a fucking clue what its normal behaviour is!!”

Sephiroth doesn’t answer and just giggles. Suddenly, his body goes rigid.

“Oh hey” he says “It can do mind control”

Luckily the tentacles are there to break his fall; otherwise he would’ve faceplanted into the tiled floor of the containment room pretty hard and possibly broken several parts of his face. The vaguely female creature drags his limp body closer, almost as if it wants to hug him, and makes a soft cooing noise. Sephiroth coos back because why the fuck not.

Next thing he knows the thing’s tentacles are very, _very_ inside his pants, wrapping around his _What the hell when did I get a boner did I miss something_ and prodding at his entrance. He thinks he cam dimly hear horrified screeching from somewhere behind him, which probably means Genesis has seen his dick and finally realized it’s not compensation after all.

But there are more pressing matters to attend to. Quite literally.

“This isn’t the kind of guy I normally am” Sephiroth tells the specimen that currently has several tentacles up his ass “I don’t really do one-night stands”

The specimen does not seem to care. It continues coiling its slick appendages around Sephiroth’s thighs to force them to open wider, and begins sliding in yet another tentacle.

“Did you know I’m a size queen?” Sephiroth offers in a last-ditch attempt at small talk.

He gets a mouthful of tentacle for his efforts. The specimen really, _really_ doesn’t seem to care.

Sephiroth decides to change tactics and begins running his tongue along the tentacle, closing his lips over it and sucking vigorously. To his great disappointment this doesn’t seem to interest his hookup in the slightest. It seems very preoccupied with cramming more tentacles into his ass. Not exactly something Sephiroth is opposed to, but he still would’ve preferred to at least be taken out to dinner before getting railed.

He’s too preoccupied with _Holy shit there goes the prostate_ to notice Angeal on the sidelines having multiple nervous breakdowns, a fit of screaming, and a minor wrestling match with shirtless Genesis to keep the readhead from joining the ongoing tentacle party.

He only hears about that particular part of the whole event afterwards.

 

The next day, when the sound of Professor Hojo yelling at his assistants about how some idiot had tampered with Specimen J-000 and how they would all be quartered, fired, and fed to the Malboros (in that order) can be heard down every hallway in the general vicinity of the labs, the three Soldier Firsts look at each other and silently agree to never speak of their night in the labs again.

And they don’t.

 

At least until Sephiroth is hauled to the labs two months later due to severe abdominal pains, and Hojo screams for several hours when ultrasound reveals that _something is growing inside his most prized specimen!?!_ Several somethings, actually. Several somethings that do not look human. At all.

Genesis and Angeal are practically dragged from the Soldier floor to be interrogated by the Turks, and then marched straight into one of the examination rooms in the labs with a wall full of ultrasound pictures and Sephiroth being surrounded by lab assistants that scurry to and fro while carefully avoiding a traumatized looking Hojo, who has his head in his hands and is sitting in a corner trying to ignore his surroundings.

“Guess what!” Sephiroth yells when he notices his friends entering the room “I’m getting a vacation!”

“You’re going to give birth to several abominations!!” Hojo screeches from his corner. Sephiroth ignores him.

“I’m getting a vacation, and Shinra is going to have to keep paying me without me doing any work at all” he yells, grinning brightly. A bit _too_ brightly, actually.

Angeal stares from Sephiroth to the ultrasounds to Hojo and then back to Sephiroth “Aren’t you worried about the… things?”

“Nope!! I’m high on painkillers!!”

That would at least explain the grinning part.

“Con…grats?” Angeal tries while gesturing towards the ultrasounds. He deliberately doesn’t look at them too closely. It’s bad enough _knowing_ his friend has several tiny alien parasites growing inside him. He doesn’t need to _see_ it, too.

Genesis doesn’t seem to share that sentiment. He practically rips one of the pictures from the wall and inspects it closely, his nose almost touching the paper.

“They’re cute” he finally determines. Angeal wonders if his hearing is failing him.

“Just wait till you see them moving!” Sephiroth says, still grinning “That shit is the _best_. Teeny-tiny tentacles all over the place”

Hojo makes a sound like a dying cat over in his corner. Angeal silently agrees.

“Okay, but the most important question of all…” Genesis makes a dramatic pause and looks around the room. The assistants have stopped moving, waiting apprehensively for him to continue and probably get them all into trouble. The redhead grins. “Has your mother heard the good news yet?”


End file.
